


I see your monsters

by Toloveandbeyond



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Abusive!Sirius, But they still love each other, F/M, Fluff, Hogwarts Era, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Intimate Partner Violence, Jealousy, M/M, Marauders' Era, Mating Bond, Potential mpreg, Raising Harry, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, alternative universe, jily, protective!James, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-22 13:32:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9609593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toloveandbeyond/pseuds/Toloveandbeyond
Summary: Where Remus and Sirius raised Harry together, but not all is what it seems on the surface. Sirius may not always be the cheerful and caring partner everyone seems to think, and their relationship wasn’t all hunky dory either. But regardless of what happened behind closed door, there was no denying of their love for one another, however that’s defined by each party. And surely that should be enough, right?Not really a dark!Sirius piece, but he wasn’t the golden boy everyone believed either. And sometimes Remus was just too much of a willing victim.





	1. A walk down memory lane

**Author's Note:**

> COMMENTS ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED XD

It started when they were still students at Hogwarts, but nobody seemed to have noticed, not even James and Peter when the four were practically glued together almost every waking hour. After all, why would they have noticed? The two just seemed so happy together. Hands always laced together whenever possible, sitting side by side with intertwined legs in classes, stealing kisses when the adults were not looking, one pulling the other onto his lap even though there was plenty of space on the couch, hickeys unconvincingly hidden beneath raised collars---only on Remus’s side. Sirius seemed more than content with walking around the entire school topless had it not been a combination of McGonagall’s wrath and James’s vigorous death threats. Their friends had long since reached the consensus not to question what goes on behind closed doors, or closed curtains for that matter---James had learned the hard way. And whatever sounds or conversations that may had suggested a different interpretation of their relationship were muffled under force of double silencing spells. 

Sometimes James wondered why Sirius always ends up winning when the two have an argument or why Remus sometimes look suspiciously tired and tense even with the moon weeks away, but he never dwelled upon those thoughts, not back then at least. They were both blokes and James was not about to pretend to have extensive knowledge of how homosexual relationships work. If those two had their special ways of interacting and solving conflicts, by all means they were entitled to. All he really cared about was that his two best friends seem so happy together. 

Perhaps the only person who had had at least a potential shot at figuring out the truth was Lily. For although James had taken on the self-proclaimed role of mother hen of the group---admittedly he was doing an awesome job of making sure everyone is fed and wearing gloves in winter and for the most part happy---it was Lily who, once established friendship with the marauders, had a relatively objective and therefore insightful perspective of the interactions between the four boys. 

It also helped that she has been close friend with Remus long before she found any of the other three marauders remotely tolerable. She had been there smirking at the furiously blushing boy when he first fell head over heels for one Sirius Black in their second year. She had been there with hot chocolate and a blanket when the boy locked himself in an empty classroom after Sirius had gloated gleefully to the four of them how he and the bird he was dating then had “gone at it” during their third year. She had been one of the first to start whistling and clapping when Sirius grabbed said boy’s chin and kissed him senseless right there at the breakfast table in their fourth year (James was howling so loud he fell over under the table and effectively knocked over the entire plate of beef stew on top of Peter.) But if she had noticed that Remus’s excuses for skipping their long-established routine of studying together have gotten more frequent and less plausible over time, she kept it to herself because surely all young couples want all the time in the world to themselves and if that means reducing the time spent with other friends then so be it. 

That was until she noticed the oddly shaped bruises on the gentle boy’s forearm when he absentmindedly tucked at his sleeves as he pondered over the parchment he was working on. It should have been perfectly normal, however inappropriate it was to describe lycanthropy as normal, except that it was only night of the new moon and those shapes looked suspiciously like fingerprints. “What happened to you?” She motioned with her quill, having just finished her potions paper. Remus went into an elaborate story of how he was viciously attacked by a group of aggressive bowtruckles earlier that day in Herbology, but that was not before he sputtered and in an attempt to roll down his sleeves sent a nearby jag of pumpkin juice flying across the table. Friends since first year and having seen this boy bullshiting his way out of numerous trouble --- especially being caught in the middle of a prank by a professor --- Lily knew better than to believe in his pathetic excuse of a story. But before she could say anything, the portrait hole swung open and in came Sirius and James, both just served detention at McGonagall’s office.

“Well well well, what do we have here. A study date I assume?” The dark-haired boy snickered as he flung himself over the back of the couch, in a surprisingly elegant manner only manageable by him and perhaps a hippogriff. With a flick of his wand he cleaned up the poodle of pumpkin juice cumulating on the table, before hauling his boyfriend onto his lap. 

“Bugger off, Black. You’re already annoying enough without pulling this whole possessive boyfriend card.” Lily rolled her eyes in exasperation, then was quickly distracted as James launched into what had lately been termed as his “daily advance on one Lily Evans”. 

“Say what you like Lily dear, but I’ve known and seen many a romance going on in the darkest corner of the library, or the common room for this matter.” Sirius’s voice was slightly muffled as he planted a sloppy kiss to Remus’s cheek.

“We had prefect meeting earlier, and then decided to just work more on this potions essay.” Remus leaned back into the warmth of the arms surrounding him, “plus it’s not like I can find any other study partner.” His sentence was cut short when Sirius pulled out a piece of honeyduke’s chocolate out of nowhere and popped it into his mouth.

“Hmm.” Sirius shrugged noncommittedly, toying with the smaller boy’s soft curls, “But I told you Jamie would get upset if you got too close with his girl.” His voice soft and soothing, too quiet for their friends to hear.

No. James would not. Remus thought to himself, but he knew better than to voice such objection out loud. He looked over to the other armchair, and saw that James had transfigured some spare pieces of parchment into a troop of parchment soldiers. Lily seemed to be caught between bemusement and calling him a childish idiot.

“Come on, let’s head upstairs. It’s almost bed time anyways.” Sirius stood up and ruffled his long locks, which dangled mere inches above his shoulder blades, all the while Remus still trapped between his arms.

“But I really need to fini---” His voice trailed off at the beginning of a scowl on Sirius’s face. Sighing heavily, he quickly scrolled up his unfinished essay and packed everything in his backpack. With practiced ease, Sirius took it and swung it over his shoulder.

Right at that moment, one of the parchment soldier smacked a big fat inky fingerprint on another soldier’s helmet, sending the entire troop into a wrestling whirlwind of tiny fists and legs. If Lily was not toppling over with laughter like she was, she would most likely have noticed how Sirius’s hand fits perfectly over the curiously shaped bruise on Remus’s arm, or how Remus flinched ever so slightly at the contact. However, attention pulled elsewhere, neither Lily nor James thought much of their two best friends disappearing up the staircase.

“So,” James wiggled his eyebrows in what he hoped to be a suggestive fashion, “since it would probably be best if I don’t head upstairs in at least two hours, would you dear lady join me in a nice stroll around the castle?”

 

Looking back, both James and Lily regretted deeply of their blunt ignorance of what’s going on between the loving couple. They should have realized sooner. But maybe they had. Maybe they just subconsciously pushed the suspicion away, because how could that be possible?

The Sirius Black they had both grown to know and love may be a lot of things, some less admirable than others. But he was no abuser. And surely he would never ever hurt someone whom he declared his love for every breathing second.


	2. A road to the future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENTS ARE REALLY APPRECIATED!!!

They mated during their last year at Hogwarts. Of course, that was far from the first time they had sex, but it was the first time they had sex in their respective animal forms. The biology of a werewolf required both parties involved to be over the age of 17 before a mating bond could be established, primarily because after said connection was made there came rightful dominance and the possibility of pregnancy, regardless of gender. Sirius had nearly choked himself laughing the first time they found out about this and commented on how ironic it is that wolfs seemed to be more responsible than wizards when it comes to shagging. Remus didn’t find it so funny.

They had talked a lot on the topic since then, and it was finally decided that they would do it during their last year at Hogwarts, where grounds were familiar and help was nearby. James and Peter had been asked to stay inside for this month --- James was anxious and spent the entire week before nagging at them, double checking that they had prepared for every possible situation; Peter didn’t need as much persuasion to stay behind and away from the wolf --- and the two lovers sneaked down to Shrieking Shack side by side, holding hands. When the giant Grim-like dog mounted the smaller frame of the other beast, the wolf howled in a mixture of pain and pleasure. It didn’t take long before Padfoot was biting down hard on Moony’s neck, knot bulging where he was buried deep inside the wolf’s body. The latter’s howling quieted down to a pained whimper, but showed no objection. With a series of rather smug-sounding yelps, Padfoot lapped at the blood-stained bitemark, as the body and spirit of these two best friends and lovers became forever marked with each other.

Remus woke to gentle strokes of his hair and warm body pressed up his back. The pain running through every vein in his body was nothing unfamiliar, except for the tenderness of his backside and throbbing ache of the still swollen bitemark. Spooning the smaller boy under piles of fuzzy blanket, Sirius was murmuring incoherent words of love to his right ear, as he seemed to be drifting in and out of sleep. And for the countless time since he first sat beside the dark-haired boy on the Hogwarts Express, Remus was struck by how damn lucky he was to be on the receiving end of all his love and care.

Of course, Remus was not stupid, and in fact far from it. He could see that there were certain aspects of their relationship that could be deemed not normal, or even unhealthy. Apart from being seen as the first-class perfect boyfriend by the majority of their schoolmates --- probably even including the Slytherins --- and rightfully so, Sirius Black also had temper issues, was a control freak, and generally didn’t take rejections well. He enjoyed constant attention, and primarily out of habit would flirt with any living soul that dared to cross his path. With the family he grew up with, he was used to either having everything he desires served to him on a silver plate, or otherwise fighting tooth and nail until such desire is granted. But despite all, there was no denying of his wholehearted love and devotion towards one Remus Lupin. At least, those were the words he chose. And if Remus found his boyfriend’s fury after whenever he so much as chatted in a friendly manner with practically anyone for longer than five minutes rather uncalled for, especially given Sirius’s own tendencies, he kept his silence. Hell, he was no saint himself either, if his “furry little problem” was of any indication. Growing up in a world where most people would either flee in disgust or haul out a death curse had they known his identity, Remus hadn’t even dared to dream for acceptance and support from his best friends and lover. So maybe sometimes Sirius would behave all controlling and refuse to take no for an answer when they were alone. Maybe sometimes Sirius would gear towards the rough side when they are in bed and ask to tie him up during sex. Maybe that one time after Lily jokingly kissed Remus on the cheek, all five of them having had one too many shots of firewhiskey, Sirius locked themselves in the dorm room, yelled at him and slapped him hard across the face and that hurt so bloody much. Maybe that wasn’t the first nor last time that had happened. But Sirius was also the one who made sure he was warm and patched up and cared for after every transformation. Sirius would stay with him day and night at the infirmary, whispering I love you while handfeeding him Honeyduke’s finest chocolate. Sirius was never afraid of holding his hand or other gestures of affection in public, always jumping to his defense at the slightest sign of trouble. And it’s not like he hadn't apologized profusely when he regained control of his temper either. He still loved him, despite everything, and said emotion had only grown stronger after their mating.

In time the lingering pain of regrown bones ceased and scratches gathered during the transformation faded away. However, the bitemark took longer than expected to heal, and even after the swollen redness died down there remained a pinkish mark forever plastered to Remus’s lower neck, standing out against other paler scars. He had reassured a worrying Sirius that it’s perfectly normal for the mark to stay forever prominent as it serves the purpose of showcasing the bonding and ownership between a wolf and his Alpha. Sirius grinned like an over-excited puppy at the information and took liberty in full-on snogging him right in front of everyone in the great hall. James alternated between reprimanding Sirius for hurting their little Moony and whistling rather off-tune-ly whenever Sirius rubbed the tender skin around Remus’s bitemark affectionally. Peter just shrugged offhandedly when he learned that his two best friends were now basically married for life, but Remus caught him staring at the intertwined fingers of the two boys a couple times when he thought no one is watching. Peter had grown noticeably quieter and more indrawn during their last year. After several failed attempts at asking him what was wrong, the other three boys left him be. They all had enough on their plates at the time anyway.

 

Days settled into weeks settled into months. And before anyone realized they were boarding the Hogwarts Express one last time. The four marauders had spent their final month before graduation plotting the most spectacular prank ever, and was not disappointed as the ceiling of the great hall erupted in a shower of never-ceasing fireworks in the shape of lions, eagles, badgers and snakes during the graduation ceremony. Professor McGonagall had surprised everyone by strolling down from the long table and hugging all four of them, before pulling back and murmuring to herself “blessed be the boys time can’t capture.” To be fair, however, the snake-shaped fireworks happened to be considerably smaller than the others and honestly some looked more like eels than actual snakes. They also let Filch confiscate the Marauders’ Map before they left, hoping that it would one day find its way to the next generation of brilliant pranksters. 

James had gotten down to his knees and proposed to Lily during their last ride on the Hogwarts Express. It was stupid and irresponsible, really, considering they were only just out of school and barely 18, but Sirius was joking about how much James and Lily looked like an old-married couple even at this young age and suddenly it seemed the right thing to do. He cried when she said yes, teary-eyed herself. He cried even more a year later at their wedding, because how could anyone not, Lily looked so beyond beautiful and James was one bloody lucky son of a bitch to deserve her love. To be fair, pretty much everyone was crying by then so his momentary break-of-character went unnoticed by most. All of their school friends were there, and so were both of their parents and the enormous extended Potter family. James and Sirius took a bet on how long Petunia would last in a ballroom full of witches and wizards, and twenty minutes later saw the groom handing five gallons to a triumphant looking best man. They decided to buy a humble two-floored house together near the outskirts of London, convenient for James to get to Auror training and Lily her internship at St. Mungo’s. Just down the street Sirius bought a larger house with garden and moved in with Remus. They had tried to talk Peter into living in the same neighborhood, but he ended up buying an apartment several blocks away where the neighborhood was less expensive. It came as a surprise to all of them when one night during their usual dinner together Remus took a couple sniffs at Lily, gasped and dropped the entire plate of steaming pumpkin pie on his foot. Sirius rushed forward immediately, scooped his boyfriend up in both arms, and over his frantic healing charms was how James Potter and Lily Evans Potter found out that they were going to have a baby. 

Unfortunately, the news of pregnancy was only a silver lining against the looming threat of war. All of them were recruited into the Order of Phoenix shortly after the wedding. James and Sirius, with their experience of Auror training, were thrown into the most dangerous missions straightaway along with other senior Aurors. Peter had several mental breakdowns after his first couple missions and eventually they decided to leave him out of any mission that may led to full-on battle with the death eaters. Lily’s shifts at St. Mungo’s became longer and busier each day with the raising number of attacks and James hated seeing her always exhausted and worried. What he hated more was that Remus had started going on special missions for the Order that he can’t share any details with anyone and the secrecy was eating Sirius alive, given his increasingly short temper whenever Remus was away. It pained James to see his best friends drifting slowly apart, all the while hoping that this wouldn’t be the last time they saw each other, and he wished nothing more than for this bloody war to end. 

 

Around eight months into Lily’s pregnancy came one day when Dumbledore cornered him after an Order meeting. His old Headmaster looked him in the eye and told him that there is a possibility that he and Lily had to go into hiding for the safety of the incoming baby. Dumbledore then told him to go home and talk to Lily first, and that he would come visit shortly after to explain the whole thing in detail. Unable to feel anything but a numbing sense of shock, James said nothing and flooed home as instructed, not trusting himself with apparition in this state. Seeing that Lily was sleeping in their bedroom, getting some long-overdue rest, he decided to first visit Sirius and Remus, seeking their opinion on this odd twist of event. 

“I’m coming in! Hope you two are decent!” James walked through the wards enveloping the house which gave way upon recognizing his identity, and pushed open the door. He stared in stunned confusion at the sight that met his eyes.

He saw on the table what must once be a romantic candle-lit dinner, now growing cold and forgotten, one or two plates spilled to the side. He saw Sirius paled visibly at his appearance, seemingly frozen in the middle of diving for his wand. He saw Remus’s gaze flickered between Sirius and him, one hand trying in vain to cover up his face. And he saw the reddening swelling on Remus’s left cheek, his shirt ripped at the collar, blood slowly dripping from his nose hidden beneath his hand, joining the split on his bottom lip.


	3. A news to deliver

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> COMMENTS ARE REALLY APPRECIATED!!!

The day had started out pretty good for Sirius. 

He woke up to the familiar warmth of a smaller body curled up between his arms, soft brown locks tickling his face as the head resting on his shoulder moved ever so slightly with each breath. He tried to move his hand, but failed. His right arm was going numb with the weight of his lover, who had pressed up tightly beside him, arm and leg flung on top of his body. Sirius was bemused to find out back in their second year, when he started crawling into the other boy’s bed to rescue him from nightmares and to escape from his, that Remus was the most misbehaving sleeper ever. Despite the quiet and reserved facade during the day, he would, almost subconsciously it seemed, latch himself with both arms and legs onto whoever or whatever was radiating warmth nearby. Too many a night had Sirius fell asleep on his bed, the other boy’s smaller frame curled up on the other side of the bed with his back turned to him, and woke up with a leg over his stomach and a head buried on his chest. It had taken some getting used to, but eventually they had shared a bed enough times that Sirius wasn’t in any real danger of being accidentally strangled in sleep. 

Remus stirred and nuzzled deeper into his shoulder, taking in the familiar scent and sighing in content, still sound asleep. Sirius chuckled as a tiny poodle of droll started cumulating on his shoulder. Looking down, he can see his lover’s neck arching into a delicate curve that he so adored, the signature bitemark at the bottom of his neck still pink and tender, as if it only happened three months ago instead of three years. His brows furrowed as his gaze fell upon several fresh cuts on Remus’s shoulder blade, looking suspiciously like claw marks and only barely starting to heal. Those were definitely new ones, not from the last full moon, but from the “secret mission” he had been on the past three days. When he got back last night, Sirius had been furious with worry and ready to confront him once and for all about his whereabouts, just like he did so many times before. And just like he did in response so many times before, Remus only looked at him in exasperation as the other man bellowed at him, reluctance to argue written clearly in those amber-colored eyes. He ended up dragging Sirius into the shower with him, dropping to his knees and taking his member into his willing mouth in one go. In retrospect, Sirius must have missed the lingering wounds over his lover’s shoulder in the heat of the moment. At the same time, however, he wouldn’t have put it pass Remus to have a glamor charm put on either. 

The thought of his mate hurting and hiding it from him left something burning inside Sirius’ chest. The animal inside stirred and growled possessively. He hated being kept in the dark, especially when his lover’s safety is involved, and a small part of him couldn’t help but wonder why would Remus so bluntly refuse to tell him anything. He understood that maybe Dumbledore had stressed on secrecy and confidentiality, those were the excuses he had received after barging into their old headmaster’s office two weeks ago, but Remus had never refused him anything before, not for long at least. And surely as Alpha of the pack he deserved to know why his mate would disappear without any explanation and come back days later bruised and bloody.

Moony is mine to protect. A growl rose dangerously to the surface as his animal instinct inside kicked in once more, his arms tightening around his lover’s waist. Remus whimpered slightly in response, but showed no sign of waking. Moony is mine. Mine.

And hopefully more so after tonight, after Sirius brought up the topic of having a baby.

 

They left home together after a quick breakfast, and then parted ways. Remus headed to Hogwarts for a meeting with Dumbledore, and Sirius met up with James for a regular patrol around uptown London. The day went by uneventfully, and by sunset saw Sirius stopping by a local grocery store to stock up on food on the way home. He had been dreaming of this day even since he first learned of such possibility: they would have a nice meal together, with candles and firewhiskey; they would feed each other off their plates, talk about their day, and Remus would finally realize his mistake and let Sirius know what his “secret missions” were all about, after apologizing properly for keeping him in the dark. Later that night they would cuddle up on the coach and watch one of their favorite movies, and before bed time Sirius would ask Remus if he wants to have a baby with him.

It never crossed his mind that Remus might say no. Sure, Sirius imagined he would protest for a bit, always the worrier his Moony. And yes even Sirius was aware that it may not be the most sensible thing to knock his boyfriend up when there was a dark lord on the rise, but hell James and Lily were doing it. Plus, Remus would never say no to him anyways. They would make passionate love to each other that night, Sirius would make sure to knot his lover up extra long this time to maximum the chance of hitting the jackpot. And if everything went according to plan there would be a tiny little bundle of life booming inside Remus several months from now. 

That had been a dream of his since Merlin knows when: building a family with the love of his life. He would give this child everything he could offer, all the love and care and hope and everything he used to wish he could own. He would make sure this child grew up to be the happiest little thing ever, never fear and never worry because they know their two fathers would have their back no matter what. And Remus. His Remus would never have to go on those mysterious missions that left him exhausted and wounded again, or just any dangerous mission for that matter. He never had to be constantly worried and tired or to put himself in the danger of outside world anymore because that would be taken care of by his Alpha. Sirius would make sure that all his babies are safely tucked inside the warmth of their home, free from any threat or harm of the impending future.

It never occurred to him just how far from “free” that sounds.

 

Sirius was just setting up the table when the ward around the home quivered, informing him of unexpected but not unfamiliar visitor through the floo network. He leaped to the living room, expecting Remus, only to huff in annoyance and disappointment upon seeing who just appeared through the flames. 

“I thought you were supposed to be at school.” Sirius leaned against the doorway with a deep scowl, staring down at the purple-haired teenage girl stepping out of the fireplace. The two of them hadn’t been on the best of terms even since Sirius found out that Tonks had a major crush on Remus when she first saw the two of them visiting Dumbledore’s office and wasn’t aware of their relationship. Even in her fourth year Tonks was one who loves with a fierce passion, which led her to corner Remus as he was leaving the headmaster’s office one day and ask him out on a trip to Hogsmeade. It was only then was she informed by an embarrassed Remus and a furious Sirius that such trip is not happening in the foreseeable future.

“Well hello to you too, dear cousin.” Tonks deadpanned.

“Remy’s not here if that’s what you have in mind. Not that that would change anything, because as you may recall he is my boyfriend.” Sirius’s skeptical glare never faltered.

Tonks sighed in exasperation and ruffled her purple ear-length hair. “Stop being such an arsehole, Sirius. I already said I was sorry. Plus, I’m here to see you and,” she hesitated for a split second, “to tell you something.”

“Well then, go ahead.” Sirius shrugged, slightly taken aback. 

“Professor Dumbledore thought that, since I’m one of the closest blood-related family you got, it would probably be best for me to tell you the news.” Tonks was fidgeting with her fingers in a nervous way Sirius had never seen on her as she sat down on the nearby couch. “I mean mom and dad would totally be willing to come too, but you know they are probably somewhere in Wales at the moment, chasing down gnomes and stuff. So anyway since I finished class early today, I felt like well why don’t I just go ahead and…”

“What is it?” Sirius interrupted her rambling.

Tonks took a deep breath, but it didn’t help with the tremble in her voice. “They just found out today…I mean I think they did, mom and dad couldn’t tell me much detail with the Patronus they sent…but, um, Regulus is dead.”

For a moment, there was only silence.

“Oh.” Sirius finally said, “Anything else?”

Tonks stared at the nonchalant face in front of her, “What…no…I, uh…” She spluttered until finding the right word, “I’m so so sorry Sirius, I truly am. I know you two didn’t really get along anymore but…”

“Don't be sorry.” Sirius was surprised how calm and indifferent he sounds. He searched the back of his brain, looking for memories of that young boy who looked so much like him, who would crawl into his bed when there was a thunderstorm, who would tag along him with those chubby legs running around the manor, tripping over his own foot every other minute. But those images faded away long ago. And all he could remember was the deep resentment on that young face so similar to his own as he spat out a disgusted “bloody faggots” whenever he passed Sirius and Remus holding hands on the corridors of Hogwarts. “We were pretty much dead to each other even since he decided to go down the same path with everyone else bearing my family name.”

“But still, losing your brother…” 

“James is my brother.” Sirius fixed her with a stare, “and he and Remus are the only family I have.” In the corner of his mind he felt like he was missing something, but didn’t give it a second thought.  
“I…I understand that this is a lot to handle, and it’s totally fine if you let your emotions out…”

“Do you know that during our last year at Hogwarts Regulus and Bellatrix tried to kill the four of us?” Sirius cut her off, frustration rising in his chest as to why she’s still not getting it, “And they damn near succeeded. James was in the hospital wing for a week after that. So forgive me if I don’t seem grief-stricken over the death of a random death eater, because that’s how much he matters to me right now.”

Tonks gulped at Sirius, who only then realized that he was now standing beside the couch, towering over the younger girl. She took a couple breath, stood up, and turned towards the fireplace: “I’m sorry, I…I did not know that. Well, I should be on my way back to school then.”

“Thank you.” Sirius said to her back, “For delivering the news. But it was not necessary.”

Tonks turned around and managed a vague smile, eyes lingering around where Sirius had just set the dinner out on the table. “Date night?” Her smile grew more genuine as he nodded. “That’s very nice of you. Remus should be home soon enough, I saw him and Kinsley strolling around the lake when I left school.”

“Kinsley?” Sirius was momentarily distracted, “Remy told me he would be back right after seeing Dumbledore and a short Order’s meeting.” 

Tonks only rolled her eyes in exasperation, before stepping into the flames.

 

Sirius sat down at the table and poured himself a glass of firewhiskey, pondering over the news. He was already way past the point of getting upset by something Regulus did, but he’d thought he would at least felt something, relief maybe. Instead, all he felt was blankness. No sadness, no fond memories coming back from childhood, no nothing.

He finished the glass and filled another. At least Remus would be back soon, and the night could go on with no more unwanted surprises. From what Tonks had mentioned it seems that he might be taking a short walk around Hogwarts with Kingsley. He should have at least told Sirius in advance. But Sirius would let it go this time. It’s probably nothing anyways. Kingsley was as straight as they come. Maybe.

But it wasn’t until an hour and almost two bottles of firewhiskey later did Remus came back.


	4. A cat out of the bag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave a comment!! Comments are super duper appreciated!!  
> Any suggestion/expectation on how James would react is super welcome! I'm still working things out and could use some advice:)
> 
> Warning: this chapter contains some pretty dense and not happy things. I took a while to figure out how to phrase everything in the best way possible but not sure if I did it alright. Sorry if some of the contents cause you any disturbance.

Remus jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Kingsley quickly pulled back, looking apologetic.

“Sorry. I should have called out, but I don’t want to give you a chance to run off at the sight of me again.” He shrugged, wearing a sly grin that people wouldn’t normally expect from someone as serious as him. But Remus had known that grin too well from his days of working as Prefects with the Ravenclaw, and his heart sank. Kingsley only grinned like that when he’s onto something.

He had been dreading this day for a while now, ever since suspecting that Kingsley may have found out what hid beneath his relationship with Sirius. Even among all the Ravenclaws, Kingsley was one of the brightest, and had an almost Gryffindor-like tendency to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. He was there two weeks ago, watching in bemusement, when Tonks ambushed Remus on the way out after their debrief with Dumbledore and all but threw herself at the blushing young man. He was also there when Sirius, staying behind in Dumbledore’s office to discuss some other issues, stormed out onto the hallway and nearly bit his cousin’s head off. Not much people was around the next day when Remus walked into the Order’s headquarter with a black eye and bandaged-up wrist. He had prepared a story of how he had gotten into a nasty fight with a Grindylow during his last mission if someone, most likely Molly, decided to probe too deep. But then Kingsley had walked in through the door. The Ravenclaw took one shocked look at his face, and pulled him aside to an empty hallway. “What the heck happened to you and why are you lying.” Kingsley had asked. He probably could have come up with something plausible on the spot, but Sirius had decided to come through the doorway at the exact moment and, with a hand automatically resting on Remus’ waist, asked all too causally what were the two of them doing hiding in a dark hallway. And the look of sudden dawn on the Ravenclaw’s face told Remus that there would be no pulling wool over his eyes again.

“Remus?”

“Hmm?” Remus was drawn back to the present by Kingsley’s gentle voice. He caught himself instinctively glancing around, in search of perhaps a secret passageway out of this. “What do you mean run off from you? I never did that.”

“Sure you didn’t.” Kingsley chuckled, “Come, let’s take a walk.”

“Um, well actually,” Remus started, checking his watch and pulling his lips in what he hoped to be a convincing smile. “I kind of need to go home now…I…”

“Because he told you to?” Kingsley’s smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“What?”

The other man sighed. “Just, let’s take a walk outside, ok? It won’t be long. I just need to talk to you.” 

Sensing no good way out of this, Remus gave in and followed Kinsley out of the castle towards the lake. Just as they were heading down the last flight of stairs, the bell rang, and groups of students started piling out of classrooms and into the great hall for dinner. Young witches and wizards chatted with friends and calling each other’s name across the hallway, free from any worry in the world, because they knew inside the school they would always be protected and they would always be forgiven. Just like the boys the four of them used to be. Before time caught up with them.

“How’s your wrist?” Kingsley asked once they were outside the castle.

“It’s…uh…totally fine now. Just a stupid injury.”

“And your eye?”

“All good.”

“Why did he do it?”

Remus huffed, looking across the sparkling surface of the lake. He had always hated lying, but ironically it seemed that there are just too many things about him that couldn’t be told truthfully. “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He really should start heading home soon. 

Kingsley was silent for a while before he stopped pacing, and turned around to look at his companion. “You remember all those Prefact trainings we had to attend back in school? Long meetings and heavy handbooks. Even as Head Boy I always thought those were just bloody stupid. Molded old parchments on handling crisis can’t tell you what to do in real life. What to do when a first-year’s crying in the common room at 3am because he misses home. What to do when someone tells you they want to jump off the astronomy tower. What to do when roommates fight and demand to change rooms. What to do when your friend shows up beaten and bruised but refuses to tell you anything but a stupid damn lie. What to do when you suspect that your friend is in a relationship with someone violent and abusive and they don’t even want your help…”

“Stop.” Remus’s voice was soft, primarily because of the rising lump in his throat. The fight or flight reflex kicked in, but he willed himself to stay where he was. The next sentence almost got caught on his tongue as he forced it out. “It’s not what you think.” Because that’s not what Sirius is and that’s not what their relationship is and people need to know that. They didn’t need to know how that night Sirius threw a whiskey bottle at him and broke his wrist. But people needed to know how much Sirius loved him and cared for him and maybe he sometimes had issues with his temper but that’s not important because Sirius loved him. And he needed to know that too because there is no possible alternative. The wolf would never let him walk out on his mate just because situations get rough, and he would never let himself either. What lousy partner would he be if he abandoned his mate just because he can’t fucking deal?

“Well then tell me what it is.” Kingsley exclaimed, “please stop pushing me away Remus, just tell me what it is.”

“In case you haven’t realize yet, we are in love with each other.”

“Usually people wouldn’t hurt someone they love.”

Remus stared into the distance. The surface of the lake sparkled like thousands of unshed tears against the setting sun. For a brief second he thought he saw a giant tentacle flipped lazily above the water before sinking back under.

But they do love each other. 

And surely, maybe, that would be enough.

 

“Pads?”

He could smell alcohol the moment he stepped into the dining room. Remus’s heart sank. It’s never a good sign when Sirius gets drunk. Almost out of reflex, he glanced back towards the doorway, wondering if it’s too late to just sneak right out and probably hid somewhere for a bit. 

“Moons-hun you are back!” Sitting by the dinner with what remained of his second bottle of firewhiskey, Sirius beamed upon his boyfriend’s entry. He stood up and rushed forward, seizing Remus’s lips in one ravishing kiss. Sirius kissed like he fucked, always hard and demanding and never relenting until he had concurred every inch of the body and soul before him. James once made a comment that Sirius kisses like a dementor. Remus was embarrassed how many times he must have seen the two of them kiss to reach such conclusion. “What took you so long? The dinner’s getting cold.”

“I…um…” Remus was gasping for breath when Sirius released him. Deciding against going into the whole uncomfortable conversation with Kingsley, he quickly said, “just the Order’s stuff. Meeting ran late. You know how Dumbledore get when he gives a t…”

That was a mistake. His sentence was cut short as Sirius backhanded him hard across the face. Remus’ eyes welled up uncontrollably with the sting, and he stumbled back at the impact, realizing his lip must have started bleeding as a rusty taste filled his mouth.

“Stop fucking lying to me.” Sirius wasn’t exactly yelling, but the biting tone was somehow even more frightening. “Tonks saw you and Kingsley having a nice stroll around the lake.”

“What?” Remus wasn’t sure if he heard the name correctly with the ringing in his ear and half of his face on fire.

“Yes. She stopped by earlier. Told me Regulus’ dead.” Sirius deadpanned, waving his hand absentmindedly and sending droplets of firewhiskey flying from the bottle in his hand. Remus couldn’t help the instinctive flinch at the movement of his hand.

“What the…Siri I’m so so sorry…”

“Don’t you dare Siri me.” One hand going up to Remus’ neck, Sirius pushed him backwards until his back crashed onto the wall behind them. There was a clatter as the whiskey bottle fell to the ground. “And you should be sorry, for bloody lying right in my face and expecting me to believe it?”

“Because I know you would overthink and snap over nothing if I told you! What the hell could I have said? It's just a walk? You would always get mad, and make it as though it’s such a big deal even though it's not and never listen to me explaining.” Remus was starting to see stars with the tight grasp on his throat.

“Because I’m tired of your fucking secrets and fucking lies! When have we come to this Remus? You are my pack, and my boyfriend. When in the name of Merlin’s bloody beard did you start keeping everything from me?”

The wolf in him was whimpering pathetically. If he was in his wolf form, he would have rolled over and whined for forgiveness at the anger and agony in his Alpha’s eyes. But he couldn’t cave in no matter how much he wanted to just drop to his knees, not on this topic. “Is this about the missions again? You know perfectly why I can’t tell you, Dumbledore said…”

“I don’t give a flying fuck what Dumbledore said!” Sirius griped the front of his shirt and threw him face down over the dinner table, sending a nearby plate flying to the ground. Remus scuffled a groan as his nose made contact with the hard wooden surface, and he tensed up in pain. But Sirius had already pressed up behind him, his body heated up and trembling slightly as he snarled into Remus’ ear, “You are mine, and I’m sick of all of this. Maybe I should just keep you in a muzzle so you can stop throwing lies in my face. Maybe I should chain you to the foot of our bed all day so you won’t disappear to some place Merlin knows where and come back days later bruised and bloody because I can’t be there to protect you. I would fuck you day and night and knot you up so full of my seeds until you can’t even move without me carrying you. And soon enough you and everyone else will know that you are mine and mine only when you had our growing pup in your belly. That would be so perfect wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t you love raising our pups together? I want to have a family with you Remy. I love you so much. Please don’t ever leave me. Do you want to have pups with me?” His voice quieted down to a wishful, longing whisper, broken up by something that could almost be a sob.

And Remus felt something warm and wet trickle down from his eyes to join the blood from his nose. It wasn’t just reflective tears from the pain. It was knowing that even in his fury and violence Sirius would never cross the line and would never stop caring for him. Even in his worst tantrum Sirius would never forget to ask for his consent, however reluctant and forced it was.

He couldn’t help wondering when had that become the bare minimum he could ask for.

 

It was then the wards around the house shifted, notifying them of familiar visitor, and they heard a voice they both knew too well.

“I’m coming in! Hope you two are decent!”


	5. A James Potter like no other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because James Potter is the most Gryffindor who has even Gryfindored and I love him and I trust him to always do the right thing.
> 
> Also apologies for the long wait and relatively short update, I was having such trouble writing up this chapter and the next. Kudos to the lovely Debbie for giving me inspirations for what could happen in the two chapters!
> 
> As always, please please please LEAVE A COMMENT and share with me any thought/suggestions XD

For a moment, James just stood in the doorway and stared. He looked from one to the other, silently begging for someone to start laughing and tell him it’s only a prank, or that they had been attacked, or that Remus happened to have run into a door upon apparating. But Sirius was defiantly avoiding his eyes, and Remus’ fluttering gaze spoke of a thousand emotions that he couldn’t decipher. 

“What…” His words found a voice before his mind could catch up.

“It’s not what it looks like.” Remus’ voice was barely above a whisper, almost inaudible as Sirius muttered a rough:” You stay out of this one Prongs.”

And that was when his brain kicked back in. All of a sudden, he knew exactly what he had walked in on. The numbness was washed over by a wave of surging fury, because how could Sirius still Prongs him after this? How could he hurt the boy whom all three of them---4 including Lily---had vowed to protect in their third year after learning what was the common practice in society on treating a werewolf? How could he hurt someone he loved so dearly? In that moment James didn’t know what he want to do more, throw a nasty hex at Sirius, or his fist, or the table.

In the end he opted for walking over to Remus and summoning a handkerchief. Although he had always been shite at healing charms back during school days, getting married to a certified healer at St Mungo’s had certain advantages. His heart clenched in pain as he saw Remus recoiled instinctively upon his approach, then quickly catching himself and pretending nothing had happened. James dabbed away the blood as gently as he could, and then uttered a couple quiet incantations to stop the bleeding. The bruises would be trickier to handle, but he was sure Lily would have some healing ointment in stock back at their house. 

“How many times have this happened?” 

“James,” Remus’ gaze darted subconsciously to where Sirius was standing, still defiantly looking away from the two of them, before returning to look at him almost pleadingly, “It’s fine. It’s not what you think.” The words came out slowly and hesitantly, as if it was a physical pain voicing those words out loud. Maybe it was. The corner of his mouth was still an angry purple.

“Moony, I want you to go upstairs now and pack some overnight things, ok?” James tried to sound as soothing as possible, like the tone he used to comfort first-years who had cut their fingers or burned their roommate’s eyebrows. But his hands were shaking uncontrollably. “I want you to go back with me. Let Lily have a look at you. And you can stay the night at our place.”

“What?” Sirius finally turned around, looking incredulous, “No way James. You can’t…”

“No need to take a lot of stuff. If you need anything else I can come back and pick it up for you.”

“You can’t take him away from me!” Sirius hissed.

“I can, and I bloody will!” James snapped. He whirled around to look at his best friend, his brother, the young man he had known since they were both obnoxious teenaged boys but in that instant so distant that he couldn’t even recognize any more. Sparks burst out from the end of his wand as he gestured wildly with his hands. “Because in the name of Merlin’s hairy buttock, not everything is about you Sirius Black. Do you even know what is going on? What you have done? Gods this isn’t what I was expecting when you promised me you love him more than your own life and that you will protect him till your very last breath. I’ve always know you could be a bloody tosser sometimes but even I didn’t expect you to stoop so low and revert back to the violence and control you fought so hard to escape from. And if me being here tonight is the only thing stopping you from beating him senseless then I swear to fucking Merlin himself you’d be seeing me a lot more around the household from now on. Because we don’t do that to our family. And we don’t do that to someone we love.”

The way Sirius stared at him would almost be funny given a different context, because how rare were the chances that someone can render the golden boy of Gryffindor speechless? His breath still smelled of alcohol, but James could see that his grey eyes were sober and clear. Almost too clear, as if they were welling up with tears.

A beat of silence.

“I’m so so sorry.” Sirius had to clear his throat several times before his words began remotely audible, and when they did he sounded on the verge of tears, “I…I know I fucked up, and I’m so sorry. Please James. Don’t take Remus away from me. I…Please don’t take him away. I love him.”

Had there been anything left in James’ heart unaffected by tonight’s event, it would have shattered at the look on Sirius’ face. Had it been any other time, he would rush forward and hug him and tell him everything’s going to be ok. He had never seen so much pain and fear and desperation on that young handsome face, not even the night he showed up at the Potters’ unannounced and begged to be taken in. Somewhere deep down, he knew that Sirius meant every word he said. But that’s not enough. Love was not enough if it can’t keep one’s darkest monster at bay. And it had to be James because they were brothers. Because brothers would fight and brothers would prevent each other from wondering astray. And this was unforgivable.

“For the thousandth time, Sirius. This is not about you. And I'm done finding excuse for every shitty thing you do.” With that, James turned back to look at Remus, who had been fidgeting uncomfortably on his feet during the entire conversation, “Come on Moony, let’s get you to my place.”

“No.”

James’ head darted up at the unexpected response.

“No…It's gonna be ok James. Sirius…he really didn’t meant for this to happen. You know how he is, he just wasn’t thinking. And we will work this out, I promise. It would be fine, don’t worry about me James.” Remus’ sentences was broken up by teary sniffs and hushed little sobs. He was looking more and more like the twelve-year-old scrawny boy from James’ memory, blurting out a series of “I’m sorry”s and “I promise I’d never hurt any of you”s and “please don’t hate me”s when confronted by his roommates about his monthly disappearance, so afraid of the others’ rejection and disappointment that he didn’t even realize he was hyperventilating out of panic. 

“That’s exactly the point, he wasn’t thinking! I really don’t want to spell this out for you Remus but what part of this situation do you not understand? I know you don’t want to believe it but he could have really really hurt you and hell, he could have...” The words stuck on his tongue no matter how hard he willed himself to speak up. He could have killed you. Maybe not this time, but next time. He could have done a lot worse.

“No, no it’s not like that. He…he’s just acting stupid because of our fight and… and we will work this out. I love him.”

James didn’t know what breaks his heart the most, the frantic and pleading looks Remus was sending him, the way the word love was used more like an excuse and a justification rather than a reason, or the fact that deep down he knew that Remus, too, meant every word he said.

“But love shouldn’t work that way.” His voice came out even softer than he had intended. He knew of the fearsome power of love between the two as he loved Lily more than anything in the entire universe. And he would kill anyone who dared to so long as harm a single hair on her head, including himself.

 

Before he could say anything more, the dining room was suddenly lit up by an embracing white light as a silver doe trotted silently into the house. It nudged affectionally at James’ hand, and spoke in Lily’s voice: “Dumbledore was here, and he want to speak to the two of us. Come home as soon as you can honey.”

The slivery glow then faded away, leaving the room in an uneasy silence. Only then did James remember why he had come to visit in the first place. The talk with Dumbledore seemed to be years ago. He sighed to himself, quickly coming to a decision.

“Both of you, come with me. This is not over.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey yall this is my first work in this fandom, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT and share your thoughts/opinions XD
> 
> This work contains descriptions of intimate partner violence and abusive relationship which may be triggering for some viewers. Sincere apologies in advance if that happens. I'll try my best to present these tough topics in a way that's not over-romanticized, which seems to be the case in many fanfictions. These characters will evolve through time so let me know if you have any suggestions regarding plots/characters :)
> 
> Enjoy!


End file.
